58 Days

58 days. An entire lifetime for my little girl.

On Sunday, we passed day 58 again, and today is day 60.

I don’t count every day that Daphne is gone, but I have been anticipating this moment for a while: my daughter has been gone longer than she was here. And every 58 days, from now to eternity, I’ll live another lifetime without her.

Since Daphne’s passing, I’ve been trying to find ways to hold on to her, to keep her story alive:

·      I spent two weeks putting together a family photo collage for my living room, when I’ve never been one to put holes in my walls.

·      I’ve been working on packages of baby bows to send to UAB hospital, where Daphne spent half of her lifetime.

·      I’ve been slowly working on an idea for a foundation inspired by our experience with Daphne.

·      On the very day we adopted Phoebe, I attended a luncheon for heart moms, hosted by Intermountain Healing Hearts. I just wanted to feel part of that community, even though I won’t experience a fraction of what many of those amazing moms have as they’ve cared for their sweet heart babies year after year. I have plans to get more involved with this organization in the future.

·      On Mother’s Day, I shared Daphne’s story with a room full of young women and their moms. A friend at our adoption agency invited me to visit her ward and share some of my spiritual experiences related to Daphne’s adoption and heart condition. To some people, this seemed like a cruel thing to have to do on my first Mother’s Day without Daphne, but for me, it was a blessing to have an excuse to focus on her. I love talking about her and sharing her story.

I think about my angel every day. But I try not to wonder what we would be doing if she were here, because that was never God’s plan. Instead, I try to imagine what she is doing on the other side—what she looks like, who she is with, the missionary work she is doing. I think about what she would want me to be doing here. Sometimes this helps; sometimes it doesn’t.

One of my deepest sorrows is that we haven’t been able to complete Daphne’s sealing yet. The final adoption paperwork is lost in the court system, and it seems to be taking forever. I had really hoped to be sealed before day 58. Please pray that everything will go through soon. I’m anxious to have our family bound together for eternity.